out of Five
Running time: 82
The specific target of the Twilight movies gives Vampires Suck a little more structure than these films normally have, but this is still a painfully unfunny comedy, despite a fairly decent Kristen Stewart impression by Jenn Proske.
What's it all about?
This time round, the makers of Epic Movie, Disaster Movie et al go for a direct spoof of the first two Twilight films, rather than try and splice together several different plots. Jenn Proske stars as 17-year-old teenager Becca Crane, who moves to Sporks, Washington in order to live with her police chief father (Diedrich Bader) and falls for mysterious outsider Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) on her first day at school.
The fact that Edward turns out to be a vampire doesn't seem to bother Becca and soon they're all over each other, though Edward has to restrain his urges in case he turns her into a vampire in the heat of the moment. Meanwhile, Becca's childhood friend Jacob (Christopher N. Riggi) turns out to be a werewolf and he declares an interest in her too.
Jenn Proske does a terrific impression of Kristen Stewart (or rather, Kristen Stewart as Bella) that also serves to slyly point up how one-note Stewart's performance is in the Twilight movies. As such, Proske is easily the best thing in the film, though that isn't saying much.
It's a shame that the writers couldn't put the same amount of effort into the hideously unfunny script as they do with the casting and make-up – the members of the Sullen family do a very good job of capturing their Twilight counterparts. That said, the script does at least poke fun at some of the actual conventions of the Twilight movies, such as the overuse of slo-mo and lingering glances scored by emo rock tracks (Hardwicke 101).
The specific template of the Twilight movies gives Vampires Suck more of a structure than Friedberg and Seltzer's previous films and they've also kept the parade of celebrity lookalikes to a minimum, though there are still constant references to current pop culture figures (Tiger Woods, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, Chris Brown) and TV shows (American Idol, Gossip Girl), with the writers still convinced that just chucking in (and explaining) a pop culture reference is enough to get laughs. It isn't.
In a word, no. This is lazily written, insulting rubbish and it’s one of the worst films of the year. Avoid like your life depended on it.