out of Five
Running time: 85
Hideously unfunny comedy aimed, presumably, at gurgling idiots who want nothing more from their big screen entertainment than ejaculation jokes, swearing, stupidity and continuous cameos from minor celebrities.
What's it all about?
Directed by Paul Angunawela, Keith Lemon: The Film is a British comedy based on the ITV2 character created by Leigh Francis (Celebrity Juice, Bo' Selecta! etc). Francis plays celebrity-obsessed northern pole salesman Keith Lemon, who becomes rich and famous after he invents the Lemon phone (a normal smartphone with a Lemon symbol on it).
With fame and fortune rushing to Lemon's head, he stays in London and indulges himself on the celebrity circuit, throwing lavish parties and landing dream girl Kelly Brook (playing herself) as his girlfriend. However, Lemon's accidental order of a million poles has left his business in trouble up north and gangster Evil Steve (Francis again) kidnaps his loyal assistant Rosie (Laura Aikman, giving a better performance than the film deserves), leaving dopey right-hand man Dougie (Kevin Bishop) to come down to London and attempt to persuade Keith to return.
It's fair to say that this is not a movie for sophisticated tastes. By way of an example, the film opens with a fantasy sequence in which Lemon imagines himself having sex with Kelly Brook (thankfully in darkness, sparing Brook this particular indignity) and then thanking her for allowing him to “seagull” her “bangers”. Later, the film's gross-out set-piece involves Lemon (who's treated himself to an enormous penis enlargement) ejaculating all over his own face at the mere sight of Kelly Brook naked (although those wishing to actually see Kelly Brook naked will be disappointed, as the nudity is implied).
Lemon's crude one-liners and celebrity-bothering may work on the small screen in short bursts (confession: I have never seen the show), but it doesn't translate to the big screen, as Lemon is too obnoxious a character to want to spend a lengthy amount of time with. On top of that, the plot is paper-thin; the celebrity party takes up a large chunk of screentime and is just an excuse to throw in cameos from all Francis' famous mates, plus brief appearances from each of Francis' previous characters.
The film doesn't even go for broke in the gross-out department. Aside from the centrepiece ejaculation gag, the only other even vaguely risque moment is where he's caught fantasising about having sex with Aikman's character on Millennium Bridge, a pixellated erection sticking out of his trousers. The rest of the humour seems to derive entirely from the pleasures of watching Saturday night TV celebrities swearing and that gets old very quickly.
Smug, tasteless and desperately, if not insultingly unfunny, Keith Lemon: The Film should never have got to the big screen in the first place. Frankly, the success of The Inbetweeners has a lot to answer for if trash like this is the result. Avoid like your life depended on it.