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Oh, Youths!

Posted by: harpursbizzare 08/07/2010 @ 09:16
Subject: General

Teenagers are way too ambitious these days.

They want to conquer the world.  And some of them do it.  There is Justin Bieber, with his 40-year-old-man-hair, and his 3 year-old-boy-face, caning the world.  Chill out Justin, you are freaking me out.

Here I am, patiently waiting for my time to make my mark on the world, soothing myself with self talk, like “Don’t worry Sarah, you are only 27, there is plenty of time to be a supermodel, and earn an obscure Grammy (I figure I have more of a chance if I try to top the Polka charts)”.  And then jumped up little shits like Bieb-skin can’t even wait their turn.

There are 16 year olds out there, just trying to get a pash at lunchtime- and that Aussie chick is hoofing around the world, in a boat, unattended.  ”Anyone can do it!” exclaims Jessica, “I am just an ordinary 16-year-old!” (Yes Jessica.  An ordinary 16-year-old, with your very own sailboat, high-tech navigation system, satellite radio and access to Skype.  You truly are the voice of theeveryman).

It’s all well and good trying to set records, to be the youngest to achieve something, but you are kind of hindered by the fact that you are getting older every day.  All you need is for some freaky baby with dreams to steal your idea, and then your record is null and void.

They are going about this the wrong way.  I want to be the oldest to achieve stuff.  I want to climb Everest when I am 90.  This gives me 63 years to psyche myself up- maybe the last 3 of those will involve some actual training.  I am also heavily relying on the prospect that technological developments will allow a small, diesel fueled, motor to be inserted into the base of my spine, which will power my titanium hips and robotic limbs.  I am also hoping that a series of dramatic earthquakes will shake Everest up a bit and knock a few kilometers of height off the bastard.

I could be the oldest Olympian.  The way the modern Olympics are progressing, lawn bowls are bound to be an Olympic sport eventually.  Even if I procrastinate for the next ten years, I will still have an extra 40 years experience on my peers.  By the time they are bored and suicidal enough to learn this noble sport.  I will return victorious, and the lucrative Beef and Lamb commercials will no longer be the domain of those gammy twins and that cyclist (yeah, clap for Sarah Ulmer now, but you know if you were stuck driving behind her on a windy road, you’d gladly whack her ass with a piece of bamboo and watch her tumble off the road.  Cyclists have no business on car roads.  They need special little cycle roads.  That end up in a burning tar pit.)  I will be ‘liking to boogy’ and Nike will be making me matching hand towels.

In saying that, if I want to be the oldest to do something, it doesn’t necessarily have to be particularly spectacular feat.  It just involves outliving my peers (I reckon I could be quite good at that.  Living is one of my strong points).  Maybe I could be the oldest person to streak in public.  This will confuse my family.  On one hand, they will be ashamed of my disgusting mess of a body being displayed to the world, on the other, they will be proud of  the Guinness World Records Certificate on my mantlepiece.

But these stupid teenagers will reach their peak at 18, be washed up at 20, and feel genuinely old when technology allows foetuses to create saucy video clips, crump in the womb, and release singles feat. Ludacris (it fucks me off no end that I have to spell ‘Ludicrous’ incorrectly, just because ‘Ludacris’ is either lazy, defiant or both).

You may have the world now, Bieber, but female life expectancy is 9 years more than yours.  See you on top of Everest, old man.  Oh hang on, it wont matter, cos you will be dead.


by  kimharring  09/07/2010 @ 11:25
I think you've nailed it - you don't hear anything more about Kris Kros (remember the kids who used to wear their jeans inside out) or for that matter Nick of Shortland street...where are they now I say!
by  nigel_yes_mates  10/07/2010 @ 07:14
Whats the deal with Justin Bieber anyway - surely the worlds youngest possum-head?
by  Louie  14/07/2010 @ 20:22
Isn't it often the parents that encourage kids to get themselves famous by doing stupid things like sail around the world attention does wonders for the bank balance of the parents.
by  janetmatthews  16/07/2010 @ 12:26
Louie - living their life vicariously eh - don't know if we'll ever get to the extremes of places like the states and their beauty pageants!
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